Frigidelphia

It's so cold outside. So goddamn cold. The shelters are packed like tenement homes in NY during the early 20th century, and that does me NO damn good! How's a man to find time to appreciate quality porno in the company of so many onlookers?? Not that I'd have a problem with it, as I am an accomplished exhibitionist with plenty of hours logged displaying my sexual prowess in public settings, but let's just say I could see it raising a few eyebrows within the institution.

Hell, they'd probably have me committed, which is something I want to avoid at all costs. Sure the room and board come cheap, but ole Quint has more than enough electroshock treatments on his resume, and they are nothing like those delightful massages available via the electronic chairs at Sharper Image. Albeit, I did lose control of my bowels in one of those, too, but that was more likely due to the smorgasbord of whiskey, shepherd's pie, and muscle relaxers I consumed just prior to plopping down for some much needed buttock kneading. What a hysterical mess that turned out to be! You know, history tends to repeat itself, as they say, and a recurrent lesson in my life seems to be that people lose their minds a little bit once loose stool is introduced to almost any situation. However, in Japan I've found that such an experience is not altogether an unwelcome one.

So, getting back to my point, as you have all undoubtedly surmised, the purpose of this post is to acquire for myself someplace warm in which to hibernate the rest of the winter season. Ideally, I would sublet your home or apartment, with arrangements made to allow that certain talents I possess might suffice in lieu of monetary compensation. Other things you should know about me: I snore, I have impeccable fashion sense, and I have my own testicle grooming razors, and will not use yours under any circumstances unless all of my blades are dull and it happens to be a Sunday, in which case the stores will most likely be closed, and well...it's kind of hard to accept a last minute modeling gig when you're best attributes are entangled in a steamy, unrelenting vegetation of pubic hair. Get the picture? Good. I ask that all interested parties contact me directly for an application. Please have 3 forms of ID, 2 credit cards, and your social security number at the ready.