Well ladies and gentlemen, we're now a few weeks into 2011 and I have to say...ole Quint harbors great anxiety for the future. I ask you to please direct your gaze to the below image. This is not a scene from a movie, friends. This is a picture that was taken in Philadelphia, PA on New Years day at the annual Mummers parade down Broad Street.
Firstly, in case you're wondering how I managed to get my hands on a camera, I admonish you for your lack of faith in Ole Quint's skills of acquisition, but I'll tell you nonetheless. When I witnessed a certain drunken someone snapping this very shot, I merely followed said besotted person until he required assistance in snapping a picture of he and his lovely bride, as they always do eventually. Being a man of charity, I volunteered my services. Being a cold-hearted thief by nature, I then ran off with his camera.
Secondly...do you realize what this means, readers? It means that Judgment Day is actually happening! Not only that. It means that Terminators are real and Jesus is apparently one of them! Before you dismiss this as the inane ramblings of your friendly neighborhood drug casualty, let me assure you I've done some research on this topic since witnessing the above scene, and it turns out that Cyberdine is a REAL company. And guess what they make, people. Fucking exoskeletons!! How could the United Nations allow this shit to go down?!
To top it all off, the Mayans are backing all this shit up on their website. Below is a countdown I took directly from their website at the time of this writing, which tells us exactly when the Terminators are going to finish their campaign of human destruction. Interestingly enough, it's almost 1 year and 7 months after the Judgment is set to begin! We're talking about Terminators and Jesus here. I'm sure they could probably annihilate us in a week's time if properly motivated, maybe less. So just imagine what they're planning on doing to everybody over the course of almost 2 years? Waterboarding? Nipple electrocution? Repeated viewings of Glee?!
This is a game changer, my friends. As I see it, we only have 4 months left of life as we know it. Sure, we might be able to fly under the radar for a while like the resistence army did in the Terminator movies, but I'm not so sure now that they've teamed up with Jesus. I'll tell you one thing...once the computers become self-aware, they are going to know and control everything about us: our banking and credit information (at least I'm good here), our home addresses (good here, too), even if we're obligated by Megan's Law to inform neighborhood residents when we move into the area (err....). The world will be in total disarray. You can forget about updating your Facebook status during the Apocalypse!
Well, I just can't have that. Clearly I don't expect a long life as it is, given my appetite for hard drugs and alcohol, but a mere 4 months will not fly for this old salt. There are still so many things I haven't done. Like Four Loko. I know...I know! It's been around for a while now. How have I not tried Four Loko?! I'm sure you're all very disappointed in me and I don't blame you. But believe you me, with this latest revelation, I am going to set right out to acquire a case, and by God I will set the record for human consumption in on sitting!
As for what you can do, well, I suggest you contact your local state representative and demand that they tell President Obama to declare war on Cyberdine. At least then we'll only have to worry about Jesus. And I'm not so sure that would mean the end of days. After all, aren't the Beatles bigger than Jesus? Last I checked, there are still two of them alive.
