Abstinence Causes Seizures

I apologize for neglecting you, my dear friends and readers, but you see I've had something of an illness these past few weeks. And that illness, me dears, is called withdrawal.

Ole Quint, you see, decided to make a New Years resolution to abstain from hard alcohol consumption for one whole month. In my humble opinion, that is where most people go wrong when making resolutions. They don't set a time limit. Lazy women who decide to diet or go to the gym will inevitably be on their fat asses watching Maury send kids to boot camp in less than a month. The reason being is that these gelatinous blob monsters that call themselves women don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. That's because they have mentally committed themselves to a full year, despite the fact that if they simply set a time limit of a single month in the first place they might have seen the positive results that would have served as incentive to keep them striving for the finish line of fitness. I call this my "The Little Engine That Could theory". Learn it.



Ole Quint is smarter than any fat woman you meet. He realizes his weakness. Therefore, I swore off hard alcohol consumption for one month, and one month only. And you may have noticed that I said "hard alcohol consumption". Well I applaud your perceptivenes! You're absolutely right. I said that because I knew there was no way in hell I could quit the booze altogether. This is another example of me being very smart. After Hanky Joe tried quitting two years ago and died of a seizure-induced heart attack, I knew better than to attempt the impossible. So I continued to drink a 12-pack each night to stave my demons.

Well, I tell ya, I must have had quite the capacity for spirits, because despite my efforts, my physical cravings went unsatisfied, and I still ended up having the most terrible seizures! Unfortunately for me, my body is so lithe and graceful from my years at sea that onlookers thought I was performing a one man ballet, and rather than assist a man in need, they began stuffing money into my rucksack as a way of payment for my beautiful shaking, which I guess was kinda worth it in the long run. But God knows the damage those fits did to my body! I just thank the Lord that, unlike my poor friend Joe, my heart held out every time. I credit pilates for that.

The sad part is I only stuck with the resolution for 3 days. The rest of the weeks I spent away were dedicated to rebalancing my addictions, which I am happy to report, are back to "mildly debilitating" status.