Alligators Terrorizing the Everglades

Although you will never hear Quint McGuinley refer to himself as homeless (as he is merely a wandering adventurer who prefers the outdoors), there have been many nights when I've been forced to resort to the transient lifestyle in the name of self-preservation. Last night was one such time...and it led me to discover a shocking new development in worldly affairs!

I have somehow in the past month arrived in Michigan, where the nights are considerably colder than what I could have expected in sunny Florida. Sure I probably should have thought about that before relocating, but my main priority at the time was to get as far away from hurricane season as I possibly could. Truth be told, I was actually aiming for Alaska, but who knew I'd have to travel through that wretched Canada to get there?!

So, as you might have guessed, the night time chills are almost unbearable in Michigan when your bedroom happens to be the great outdoors and a nightly coat of dew serves to provide wetter dreams than you ever imagined possible. I had complicated what otherwise would surely have been a moderately cold evening by consuming several root beer floats on a wind-whipped beach of rocks and gravel off of Lake Superior. The ingredients of said beverage I had borrowed from a local malt shop that had since closed its doors for the season; only instead of root beer, I cleverly substituted several cans of Genny Cream Ale I had also borrowed from a nearby liquor store that had closed for the evening.

In hindsight I realized that this concoction probably wasn't a good idea, as alcohol tends to thin the blood and make one colder than they realize, and well, ice cream certainly isn't a cup of hot chocolate, now is it? Now that I think about it, what a delight that would have been...a cup of hot chocolate...some rum...

A thousand apologies, dear readers. I was off on a tangent once again! So there I was, on the beach, struggling to fall asleep despite the violent shuddering throughout my body, when all of a sudden it hits me! Newspaper! That's all I'd need to get me through!

I run to the nearest newspaper machine and kick through the front of it, surely breaking no less than three toes in the process, as I was barefoot at the time. I reach inside the metal box and grab several issues that would serve as my blankets for the evening, when all of a sudden, illuminated by a nearby street light, I barely make out what appears to be a half alligator/half snake monster!

Upon careful inspection of the article, I discover that a 13 ft. snake had partially consumed a 6 ft. alligator in the Everglades when all of a sudden the alligator blew a hole in the serpent's stomach so large that it adds new meaning to the term "irritable bowel syndrome"!

This can only mean one thing, dear readers: the alligator in question was a terrorist and a suicide bomber and there is no hope left for humankind! This is an animal that has been around since the time of the dinosaurs; its species is renowned for ability to survive! It's widely known that they can outrun a horse on a straightaway for the first 30 ft! Surely we could have beaten the human terrorists, but this is simply too much.

Though, on a better note, it seems as though we have the Burmese Pythons on our side, which is something...