New Lifestyle Choices

After a few weeks of gentle rumination as I wandered the streets of Key West, graciously accepting handouts, and enjoying the musicians from the sidewalks surrounding the outdoor bars, I finally managed to secure myself a nautical adventure worthy of one so grizzled as myself!

After a particularly harsh night full of excessive inebriation and throwing pebbles at drunken beach-strolling vacationers in hopes that they might run and leave their billfolds behind in their haste, I, Quint Quintly McGuinley, have decided to take control of my life. From this point forward, I shall not engage in wanton behavior that might perpetuate my seemingly downward spiral into a life of addiction and dependency. Instead, I shall grab hold of the wheel and steer with stunning clarity into a new horizon full of accomplishment and satisfaction.

This is my challenge to myself. Apart from combating my inner demons, I shall make personal visits to those I have wronged in the past and show them the man Quint McGuinley has become. I shall also offer them my services free of charge in reparation for any wrongdoin's I might have suffered them. And to prove that my resolve is strong, ole Quint McGuinley shall also return to the homes of his bitter enemies in hopes of building a dialogue that might generate understanding as to how things went wrong in the first place. Surely my good intentions will be met with negative reactions at first; in fact, most of these people will more than likely try to kill me on sight, as I have surely tried to kill them in the past. But it is my belief that only good can come of this, and I have no intentions of backing out.

I recently made the acquaintance of a seaman who is known to go by the name of Charlie Walsh, or ole Charlie Tomato, as I like to call him. I came upon ole Charlie stumbling blind drunk down a crowded street just the other day, and as I immediately recognized that we shared several traits in common, it became my duty to allow him to assist me in handicapping me own sobriety. As Charlie's tongue was very loose at the time, he confessed to me the reason for his extreme inebriation, offering the sensitive tale of his wife of forty years and her recent infidelity with his best friend, who also happened to be the first mate of his ship.

Charlie's slurring speech allowed me sharp mind to form several immediate connections. Not only would he be requiring a new first mate for this supposed ship, he would also be vulnerable and willing to any suggestions of extreme and reckless spontaneity that any potential new best friend might purport to offer during such a time of desperation. Ahhh the weak minds of men so easily brought to their knees by the antics of the female species! If only my friend Charlie Tomato would have known to begin beating her on the day of their nuptials he would never have found himself in such a predicament in the first place!

At some point in our time together, I let slip the fact that I am a very skilled sea captain myself, and that I have also fallen on hard times in recent years. My little friend's ears perked up ever so slightly at this, and his eyes squinted in an attempted to record the transpiring conversation with as clear a mind as he could muster. When I made mention of the fact that I returned to Key West in search of work, his eyes grew wide again, and my eyes nearly burned from the brightness of the lightbulb that formed above ole Charlie's noggin.

"Let's go to sea together!" he said, slapping his hands on my massive shoulders. "I can assemble a crew in a few hours. We'll leave first thing in the morning!" Then, as if he doubted himself, he added, "Well...maybe not first thing. I have something that I want to take care of first! How bout we make it the next morning?"

"Excellent!" I said. "Just call on me whenever you're ready. I shall be where I have been for the past 15 evenings...slumbering under that tarpaulin you see covering the lifeguard vessel on the beach o'er yonder!"

My new best friend smiled as though I had just done him the greatest favor in the world. He looked as though he was preparing to hug me; then looked as if he noticed via my facial expressions that Quint McGuinley is not a man known for enjoying hugs with men; then thought better of things and offered his hand for shaking. I promptly extended my own hand and clamped down on his with the force of a retarded kid who has recently been told that he can't play Xbox after dinner, and Charlie respected me for it despite what the strain on his face might have suggested.

It was this good fortune that prompted thoughts of transformation in me mind, and also why Ole Quint shall forever turn his back on drugs, alcohol, thievery, violence, fast women, Mexican food, and organized religion. It is my belief that a lifestyle devoid of such excess shall purify my newfound enlightenment while fostering a life full of serenity and happiness. Yes friends, I am sorry to inform you that your comrade in arms has changed his ways forever.

Now if you'll excuse me, I am starting to get the beer shakes. It's about time I go score a bag of reefer from the skateboarders in the bank parking lot, sell half of it to the skateboarders in the high school parking lot at a substantially higher price, use the profits from that transaction to buy myself a fifth of whiskey, and then find a secluded spot on the beach where I can toke the smoke and sink the drink all the while basking in my newly discovered serenity; then, during the peak of my inebriation, I'll assert my masculinity by starting a fist fight with a man or woman for almost no reason whatsoever, wash the blood and sweat off my body in the ocean, steal clothes from an outdoor clothing rack, repeat my dealings with the skateboarders, and finally hang around the front door of the seediest bar with intent to pick up the most desperate woman who exits. If all goes well I should be asleep by 3am with plenty of time for sleep so that I can wake up and go to mass before heading over to the park for Taco day!