Quint's stint as Santa Claus

Ole Quint enjoyed his Christmas very much. That's right, people. This season I decided to get in the holiday spirit, and figured it might be a good idea to lay off the particular brand of "spirits" that so often seem to land this wily seafarer in a hotbed of trouble. So, rather than hard boozin', I opted for a serious opium session instead. Lordy lord was that a bad idea, and now I'll tell you all the reasons why...

Me friend Legless Larry recently aided me in acquiring a job at the local shopping plaza. The booty would be 6 dollars an hour under the table to spend a few hours in the guise of Santa Claus himself, a job I all too hastily accepted. However, it just so happened that the opium session immediately preceeded the inaugural planting of my ass on the seat of all seats, and during my very first shift I learned much to my dismay that opiates are frowned upon by both supervisors and parents alike.

After falling asleep with a child in my lap and slumping to the floor soon after with a dark urine stain on the mall's scarlet Santa pants, my boss, a pretty man named Howard Dobbins, decided to intervene. Such was the end to the possibility of my advancing towards a lucrative and rewarding career as ole St. Nick. Ah well, I guess I have enough personalities already, me friends. Harharharharharharhar!!!

So I spent the rest of the holiday on a bender...then in jail...then on a bender again. Oh, and then I spent some time in the library, but I was simply using the historical reference section as a latrine because the Pizza Hut next door wouldn't permit me to make use of their facilities. So what if the dishwasher has a restraining order out on me! I happen to be a human being with a urinary tract infection, God damn it! It's not like I would have been capable of "stalking" or "harassing" or "aggravatingly assaulting" the guy, or whatever else it said on the papers...not when I had to pee that fuckin' bad!

Anyway, that whole deal led me back to jail, where I also happened to enjoy a bender, happily abusing the "tits" a fellow inmate provided me with as a kind gesture of welcoming a "first-time user". Typically, that's not a term one could apply to ole Quint, but in this case it did happen to be the first time I enjoyed rat poison, so I guess there's not much I can say in disagreement.